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Ladies and gentlemen, I stand before you today to propose a few simple improvements on our lives that will pay huge dividends. These simple proposals all fall into the same easy to use handbook, "Functioning in Public for Dummies." This booklet will be required reading for all who walk this wonderful earth and will cover such topics as "Opening Double Doors," "A Simple Guide to Greetings," and everyone's favorite, "How to Avoid that Awkward 'I-go-this-way-you-go-that-way' Thing." (Of course that refers to that dreaded moment when you walk straight into someone and don't know whether to go left or right and they are just as clueless as you. Talk about something that really gets my panties in a bunch!) So first things first, a subject that affects anyone that has ever frequented the lovely establishment we call Alliot: how to work double doors. I call this lesson "There are Two Doors for a Reason." First of all, it's a known fact that when approaching a double door, you automatically move to the right. We run into trouble here due to the large number of international students that are used to the left side, but I think if we set the example they will accept our way of doing things (like they have been doing for years with all the other aspects of our life). If we simply used the door on the right, things would go smoother and there would be little or no back-ups at all. This is a second cousin to another issue, the old "How to Use Both Doors in the Backseat of a Car." I think you know what I mean. You climb in the backseat of a Jeep Cherokee (which I think has the smallest damn doors in the world) and your buddy is right up your ass climbing in behind you. Are you serious? Your gonna make me climb across this seat because you didn't want to exert the energy to walk around the car, open the door and climb in? I always feel like a six-year-old kid hopping in my mom's station wagon on the way to soccer practice. We are big boys now, we can use both doors, its ok. Second lesson: "How to Issue a Greeting Without Sounding Like a Moron." I know this might be a tough lesson for some of you to grasp, but "good" is not an acceptable answer to the query "What's up?" Conversely, "nothing" is not what I am looking for when I ask "How are ya?" These people really get me. Why don't you just come out and say that you aren't gonna listen to a word I say? If you don't have the mental capacity to follow my greeting, how the hell to you plan to follow a conversation about something as complicated as what you did this weekend? Would you like me to start with an easier question? To be honest though, answering that question incorrectly isn't the worst thing. At least you are making an attempt, albeit a pathetic one, to acknowledge my existence. It's those people who pull all the social avoidance moves that I just want to smack. I know you see me, why not give me a wave, a thumbs up or a friggin' peace sign or something? Looking down at the ground, faking a cough, focusing on a distant point and all the other moves aren't fooling anyone folks. I feel like these people know something I don't. It's like any walk through campus is the walk of shame for me. What did I do? Do I even know you? Who are you? I think I will leave you with those two simple lessons for today; I wouldn't want to strain you socially inept people out there in our first session. I know you might think this is a stupid thing to bitch and moan about, but imagine if we all followed these simple rules. If we all just stayed to the right, we would never have any trouble. In boating, when you approach an oncoming vessel, you must turn right. Why can't we do this on land? If you approach someone, or a door or anything else, go to the right. This way we always use both doors, we never are unsure of which way to go when someone walks into us and we get society flowing a little smoother. That's all I'm looking for: a smooth running society. The change starts with one person?you. |
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